THT Travesty: Weekly Leaks – The News You Can’t Trust

By Ed Fernandez
12 years Ago

We, at TheHardTackle, take pride in bringing you the news headlines you may have missed over the past couple of weeks. It’s not easy keeping track of all the news pouring in from different outlets, and we’re glad you don’t. ‘Cos if you did, what purpose would we serve then?

Gary Neville who said David Luiz looked like he was controlled by a 10-year old on a Playstation, ended up at the receiving end of Andre Villas Boasai??i?? incredible display of wrath. Villas-Boas said Nevilleai??i??s comments were ridiculous and called it ai???highly insulting to ten year olds everywhereai???.

Chelsea FC also released a statement confirming their displeasure with Gary Nevilleai??i??s comments

We note with disappointment Gary Nevilleai??i??s insinuation that our players are controlled by an immature mind via remote control of any sort. We take special pride in letting our players act out the way they want to ai??i?? and they have rewarded that faith by featuring in tabloids all over the world.

Chelseaai??i??s only reliance on immature remote controlling has been our ownerai??i??s use of such devices to control our managers. Gary Nevilleai??i??s suggestion that such control extends to the field is unfortunate and amounts to defamation.

For his part, Gary Neville apologized to the West London club and offered to kiss and make-up with both Luiz and Villas-Boas. Paul Scholes could not be reached for comment, while opportunistic global fashion brand Benetton has reportedly expressed an interest in buying the media rights to this for their Unhate ad campaign.

You can't see it, but I'm handling the trophy

Thierry Henry was afforded the distinct honor of seeing his statue unveiled outside The Emirates Stadium. The Frenchman insisted that he never saw this happening in his wildest dreams ai??i?? but that was later understood to have merely been a gesture of modesty, when Arsene Wenger revealed the whole project was Thierry Henryai??i??s idea.

Thierry Henry then burst into tears at his situation when asked how it felt having to now play football anonymously in a country like the United States where nobody gave a damn about him or the sport. Quickly regaining his composure, the Frenchman insisted his tears were those of joy and the Arsenal faithful believed it just like they do with all of Wengerai??i??s promises.

In a love-fest and without any prompting, Arsene Wenger then tipped Thierry Henry for success as a manager, and Thierry voluntarily then tipped van Persie to become an Arsenal great. Robin van Persie, was clearly taken by surprise and not knowing what to do, did the only thing that comes naturally to him.

He got injured.

For his part, Thierry Henry then magnanimously ‘treated’ everyone to a pint of beer at the local Irish pub ai???The Hand Jobai??i?? and then cheated his way out of paying the bill.

Sir Alex Ferguson was accused by UEFA President Platini of insulting the Europa League by calling the experience of participating in that lowly tournament a ai???punishmentai???. Platini was incensed that the Scotsman would look so publicly down on a tournament that lesser clubs participate in, and that clubs like Liverpool can only one day hope to.

Fergie also refused to blame the youngsters for Manchester Unitedai??i??s losses to Crystal Palace and Basel. The Scotsman, who has clearly mellowed over the years, when reached for comment about whether Unitedai??i??s youngsters were in trouble had this to say –

Look, the young lads feel terrible about the exits. And Iai??i??m not going to crucify them.

Punish them, whip them with a lash, and electrocute them? Yes. But not crucify them.

Making matters worse for Manchester United, Nemanja Vidic has been ruled out for the better part of a complete year owing to a cruciate ligament injury. This confusing term of unknown medical implications is barely understood by medical experts, let alone the general public.

This mystery illness has been known to affect Manchester United players in the past at surprising junctures in their careers at Old Trafford ai??i?? its victims include David Beckham, Cristiano Ronaldo and Ruud Van Nistelrooy. The only known cure for this mysterious ailment is a transfer to Real Madrid. It is understood that the cure involves a spinal transplant, a medical prescription to keep oneai??i??s mouth shut and a large infusion of cash in the patientai??i??s bank account.

Roberto Mancini had a few choice words for Villas-Boas whose complaints about having to deal with criticism made the headlines. The Manchester City boss bluntly used the press conference to tell Villas-Boas to have some cojones and face the criticism like a man.

Mancini then got up, wrapped his feminine scarf around his neck, and walked out for his weekly manicure appointment.

Categories: Arsenal FC, Chelsea FC, COVER STORY, English Premier League, Manchester United
Tags: Andre Villas Boas Arsene Wenger David Luiz Gary Neville Michel Platini Nemanja Vidic Roberto Mancini Sir Alex Ferguson Thierry Henry

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