Andrea Pirlo in his autobiography, ai???I Think Therefore I Playai??i?? has made quite a few astounding remarks, including some on the Champions League final loss to Liverpool in 2005 that given an insight into that fateful night.
The Italian midfielderai??i??s revelation shows how much the loss hurt him and the team and how he was almost driven to retire from football in a bid to escape the nightmare of that fateful night.
I thought about quitting because, after Istanbul, nothing made sense any more. The 2005 Champions League final simply suffocated me.
To most peopleai??i??s minds, the reason we lost on penalties was Jerzy Dudek ai??i?? that jackass of a dancer who took the mickey out of us by swaying about on his line and then rubbed salt into the wound by saving our spot kicks.
But in time the truly painful sentence was realising that we were entirely to blame.
How it happened I donai??i??t know, but the fact remains that when the impossible becomes reality, somebodyai??i??s f***ed up ai??i?? in this case, the entire team. A mass suicide where we all joined hands and jumped off the Bosphorus Bridge.
Calling it the ai???Istanbul syndromeai??i??, Andrea Pirlo admitted that it took him months to recover from a shock loss to Liverpool who came back from being 3-0 down to win the Champions League finals on penalties.
When that torture of a game was finished, we sat like a bunch of half-wits in the dressing room there at the AtatA?rk Stadium.
We couldnai??i??t speak. We couldnai??i??t move. Theyai??i??d mentally destroyed us. The damage was already evident even in those early moments, and it only got more stark and serious as the hours went on.
Insomnia, rage, depression, a sense of nothingness. Weai??i??d invented a new disease with multiple symptoms: Istanbul syndrome.
The match had such a devastating effect on the midfielder that he began to question his calibre, not only as a footballer but also as a ai???manai??i??. The Italian even contemplated retiring from the sport but believed it would have been a dishonourableai??i?? retirement.
I no longer felt like a player, and that was devastating enough. But even worse, I no longer felt like a man. All of a sudden, football had become the least important thing, precisely because it was the most important: a very painful contradiction.
I didnai??i??t dare look in the mirror in case my reflection spat back at me. The only possible solution I could think of was to retire. And what a dishonourable retirement it would have been.
I glimpsed the end of the line: the journey was over. The story was finished and so was I. I walked with my head bowed even in the places I hold most dear. It wasnai??i??t to avoid sympathetic glances, just that when you donai??i??t know where youai??i??re going, looking ahead makes you tired and worried.
The game had such an influence on the talismanic midfilder that he believes he is still unable to watch the DVD of that fateful night. In his autobiography, Pirlo mentioned that that Champions League loss should be embalmed in the clubai??i??s history as a testament to the fact that even the greatest of teams fall from grace.
Iai??i??ll never fully shake that sense of absolute impotence when destiny is at work. The feeling will cling to my feet forever, trying to pull me down. Even now if I mess up a pass, that malign force could be to blame. For that reason, I steer well clear of the DVD from the Liverpool game.
Itai??i??s an enemy that I canai??i??t allow to wound me a second time. Itai??i??s already done enough damage: most of it hidden far from the surface.
Iai??i??ll never watch that match again. Iai??i??ve already played it once in person and many other times in my head, searching for an explanation that perhaps doesnai??i??t even exist.
It was suggested we hang a black funeral pall as a permanent reminder on the walls of Milanello, right next to the images of triumph. A message to future generations that feeling invincible is the first step on the path to the point of no return.
Personally, Iai??i??d add that horrendous result to the clubai??i??s honours board. Iai??i??d write it slap bang in the middle of the list of leagues and cups theyai??i??ve won, in a different coloured ink and perhaps a special font, just to underline its jarring presence.
It would be embarrassing but, at the same time, it would enhance the worth of the successes alongside.
There are always lessons to be found in the darkest moments. Itai??i??s a moral obligation to dig deep and find that little glimmer of hope or pearl of wisdom.
The midfielder believes that he is still not able to come to terms with the loss that has emotionally scarred him. Having failed to come up with an explanation for that loss, he believes that there is little that can be done when destiny itself ai???is at workai??i??.
You might hit upon an elegant phrase that stays with you and makes the journey that little less bitter. Iai??i??ve tried with Istanbul and havenai??i??t managed to get beyond these words: for f***ai??i??s sake.
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