It’s been a strange few weeks in European club football. The English have had their games snowed in, and nobody complained. Because the English Premier League finds itself in such a predicament that most viewers would willingly fork out hundreds of pounds to watch snow melt, rather than put up with a league that is nowhere near Europe’s best.
Roy Hodgson got booted out of Liverpool having managed to achieve the impossible – by doing even worse than expected. Roy is thrilled at having managed a big club and is not very upset at the manner of his dismissal. Alex Ferguson, on the other hand, is said to be furious at the rapid fire dismissals of managers these days – except when the manager happens to be Rafa Benitez who clearly deserves every bad piece of karma that comes his way, according to the Scotsman.
Just when Alex Ferguson thought he could uncork the champagne at a celebratory family gathering, he got news of his son’s dismissal from Preston North End. Darren’s choice of party banner that read “Like Father, Like Son” turned out to be a unfortunate choice of words, as his firing coincided with that of Rafa Benitez from Inter Milan. Ferguson has wasted no time in demanding a paternity test, and Benitez is elated that Fergie thinks he’s actually capable of something.
Chelsea were rocked by an unidentified lone wolf protester who unfurled sheets with messages urging Ancelotti and Abramovich to quit the club, along with one accusing the players of having no spine. When asked about it, Carlo Ancelotti merely laughed it off. Internal sources in the club reveal that the sheets belonged to a certain Ms. Perroncel and that John Terry has been called in for handwriting analysis.
Ancelotti has denied rumors that he doesn’t see eye-to-eye with his new assistant Michael Emenalo. Ancelotti insists the only reason they are not on speaking terms with each other is because they don’t understand each others’ languages and they don’t have Ray Wilkins to intermediate. Emenalo, who was not considered fit enough to even coach a girls’ soccer team by the Americans, now has to rely on Mikel to get his training ground instructions across. It’s not clear how well this arrangement is working, because every order from Emenalo suspiciously translates into an order of extra lemonade for Mikel.
Frank Lampard’s groin has been inspected by doctors and has been given a clean chit of health. The doctors advised him that since he was no longer a young chap, he ought to refrain from any strenuous activity that might involve exercising his lower abdomen in the next couple of months. In an unrelated incident, a publicist confirmed Frank has decided to take a 2-month break from his relationship with Christine Bleakley.
Easy on the eyes, Tough on the groin
Cesc Fabregas, who has now taken on the role of Wenger’s chief stooge, saw fit to lecture Mancini on the need to play beautiful football that would permit the eternally hapless Gunners a shot at goal. As everyone already knows, Arsenal insists that opposition teams take a leaf out of their style of play, which they maintain is the only way to play football. They are however praying for a defensive Barcelona this season in the UEFA Champions League.
Theo Walcott has proven, yet again, that Wenger’s madness is highly contagious by proudly admitting he dived to earn a penalty. Walcott then sanctimoniously claimed that he cracked a self-effacing joke to the referee after the penalty was not awarded, and demanded he be shown respect for his brazen shamelessness. It is understood that he’s been inspired by Didier Drogba’s “I’m-an-obnoxious-prick-and-I-don’t-pretend-otherwise” school of thought.
Harry Redknapp seems to have lost his grasp of reality, after a giddy transfer move for David Beckham. When asked at a press conference, if the presence of a celebrity sex symbol in the team would distract from all the football, Harry replied “I don’t think I’m distracting to the boys.“.
In the continental mainland, the Italian giants Inter Milan finally decided to quit joking around and yank Rafa Benitez off life support. The club thanked him for his services and released a heartfelt statement stating “After the triumphs of last season, we needed to be reminded that we were only human and that we too could plunge the depths of obscurity. This is precisely why we hired Rafa Benitez, who has a track record of taking great clubs into the mud with him. He did not fail to deliver. Now that our players have been taught a lesson for their arrogance, we are ready to take on the league with renewed vigor. “
Meanwhile, Chelsea FC continue to wonder about the reason for their dismal form.
At the topmost level, lies an oligarch who seems obsessed with the singular thought of ruining his team. Go one level down, and you have a board of directors, whose most familiar name wants nothing more to do with the club. Descending to the next level, you find a coach and a new assistant who distrust each other. Going another level below takes you to the supporters, left out in the cold, by a club that no longer understands them. And finally, lost without a trace, having considerably aged and forgotten what they’re playing for, are the players lost in limbo.
Hold on a second.
Multiple nightmarish levels, topped by a man who’s inexplicably hellbent on ruining his empire and with the chief players at the bottom lost in an aged limbo?
A disaster within a disaster within a disaster?
Could it be that Chris Nolan’s “Inception” and Chelsea FC are one and the same?