The Arsenal squad sat around the massive oval table in the boardroom at the Emirates Stadium, twiddling their thumbs nervously, wondering what signings they’d be able to conjure up in the two days before the transfer deadline passed.
Robin van Persie was conspicuous by his absence. Arshavin looked decidedly glum, while Walcott looked exhausted and worn out. Pat Rice pretended to be on the phone with someone, so as to avoid having to make unpleasant small talk with anyone.
Owner Stan Kroenke escorted in the man of the moment, on whose head lay the heavy crown. He walked in with a slight hunch courtesy the additional burden on his back – his movements, his decisions, his every expression would be watched by loyal Gooners around the world. Wenger and Kroenke had a private word with each other before they took the two seats at the head of the table. Kroenke gestured for the Frenchman to begin.
Wenger: I called for this emergency meeting in response to a recent development that provides us with an opportunity to engage in a paradigm shift from protocol, dispense with traditional rigmarole and initiate an immediate deviation from the expected norms and parameters this institution has operated under, for a time-frame of some duration.
Kroenke: Just so we’re clear, you’re still talking about the 8-2 thrashing we received from Manchester United, right?
Wenger: Yes, but in the interest of the club’s morale and my sanity, let’s stop referring to the scoreline shall we?
Almunia: 8-2. It’s almost as if I was the one goalkeeping. 8-2.
Wenger: Will you stop repeating that?
Almunia: 8-2. E I G H T.
Wenger: Anyway, as I was saying…
Almunia: Quick fellas, how many fingers am I NOT holding up? (Arsene pretended not to notice as Almunia gleefully flicked both his middle fingers, much to the amusement of those at the table)
Wenger: As I was saying, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Walcott: You’re quitting?
Rice: No, pay attention… He said “desperate”, not “sensible”.
Wenger: No, I’m not quitting. There is nothing wrong with me that cannot be set right by what is right with me.
Arshavin: So what you’re saying is, you won’t change?
Wenger: No, I’m saying my pros outweigh my cons. I’m saying I have what it takes to go to the next level. I have a purchase plan that will take the football world by storm, when they least expect it. Right at the close of the transfer window. And not just for folks like Mertesacker, Santos and Arteta. You know I’m mysterious that way, like a creature of the night prowling the streets and creeping up on unsuspecting people.
Almunia: Especially, young boys.
Wilshere: Sounds familiar…
Wenger: Gentlemen, I intend to make a daring, shocking raid on Real Madrid for… Cristiano Ronaldo!
Wenger waited for a collective gasp to go around the room; one that never came.
Kroenke: How on earth are we going to afford him? Just how much do you think you can spend on him?
Wenger: 20 million pounds. Not a penny more.
Kroenke: What? But…Madrid paid 80 million pounds for him!
Wenger: I told you it’ll be shocking.
Kroenke: Look here, W. Nobody else will dare approach Madrid for their best player with just a quarter of his valuation.
Wenger: Exactly. That just means we’ll have no competition.
Kroenke: Are you nuts? And you suppose Real Madrid will just bend over and let us have our way with them? Did you mistake them for us?
Wenger: Ok. How about 20 million pounds and we throw in Almunia too?
Almunia: You mind your language.
Kroenke: Do you have any plans that will work?
Wenger: Frankly, I was hoping for a little more support, and a little more faith.
Almunia: Yeah, welcome to my world.
Wenger: So I’m guessing my back-up plan to get Messi over here for 15 million isn’t going to have any takers, either?
Arshavin: Was that your fall-back option? Or your fall flat option?
Kroenke: And just out of curiosity how were you planning to persuade Messi to leave Camp Nou for the Emirates?
Wenger: I can offer the one thing he wants most.
Almunia: Growth hormones?
Wenger: No, the chance to start fresh. At a place where he can finally be free of any bother, and never ever have to look back.
Almunia: Sounds like an ad for sanitary napkins, if you ask me.
Rice: OK, if things weren’t bad enough. Anzhi Makhachkala have announced they’re going to be raiding us for …
Wenger: How dare they kick us when we’re well and truly down! Those guys are just as crude and unrefined as the oil they made their fortunes with.
Rice: … you. They want to raid us for you.
Wenger: You have to admire their plans for the beautiful game.
Rice: I think we should make a move for Benayoun. Think about it, he’s creative, intelligent, not very strong, and eats next to nothing. Think of the money we can save on grocery bills.
Wenger: Is he any good?
Rice: Benitez never entrusted him with playing the entire 90 minutes of a game, even though he scored in every game he came on. So I’d say he’s a gem.
Kroenke: Let me schedule a meeting right away with Ron Gourlay for Yossi.
Wenger: Before you leave, what about your plan for Manuel? OT for 10,000 pounds then?
Almunia: Am I being sold to Old Trafford?
Kroenke: Not really, we were wondering how much you’d fetch on the Organ Trafficking market.
Almunia: I should be offended, but my self-esteem’s non-existent. I’m kinda tempted. 10,000 pounds is a lot of money.
Wenger: For the club.
Almunia: No, thanks.