Lampard, Ronaldo And The Week That Didn’t Happen – THT Satire

Chelsea FC are hopping mad at Frank Lampard while Cristiano Ronaldo trolls his former club, Manchester United.

Chelsea fans have convinced the world and themselves that they bear Frank Lampard, their former vice captain and erstwhile prince of hearts, no ill-will whatsoever, for scoring against them in Manchester City colors and then almost scoring another. In fact they’ve gone out of their way to drive home that point, when even the most unreasonable observer would grant them some room for feeling gobsmacked. But not Chelsea. No Sir, thank you very much. The Blues don’t do self-pity or second-guessing here.

And so Mourinho and his men released a graciously worded press release:

We wish Frank Lampard nothing but respect for his many years of service, through the worst of times and the best. Our door will always remain open to him if he chooses to return, as we look to shut out rival teams because he is just too much of a legend to our fans both young and old to ever forget. As everyone knows, we have no bigger star in our history. Thank you for the memories. We still fondly cherish you scoring against every Premier League team for us, at the most crucial of times. Thereai??i??s fat chance weai??i??ll find another Frank.

Moving on from Frank Lampard to another former Premier League superstar – Cristiano Ronaldo has successfully managed to troll Manchester United again by giving them hope. The Red Devils are languishing in 12^th spot, with 5 points out of 5 games, or as Louis Van Gaal called it ai???a perfect recordai??? ai??i?? until someone reminded him a win was worth 3 points. Naturally, Manchester United fans are hopeful for anything that might help them turn the pages and regain some of that past glory.

Ronaldo who likes to remind his Madrid managers who is boss, occasionally pretends he wants to trade Champions League winner status in a team favored by the Spanish monarchy for mid-level status in a team owned by the Glazers.

There was an awkward moment when Carlo Ancelotti rubbished such suggestions with a brusque ai???Yeah, Rightai???, and Manchester United fans thought it was confirmation.

At Real Madrid, Gareth Bale has gotten himself in hot water by accidentally driving over a female fanai??i??s foot. The club has promised to view this incident seriously, and take whatever disciplinary action the situation mandates. Real Madrid has a proud legacy of punishing players for unintentional acts of violence. The club truly lives by its credo of ignoring any act of physical aggression as long as the player truly intended to do it. As long as Pepe kicks Lionel Messi out of nothing but pure spite, and Cristiano Ronaldo punches Diego Godin in the face because he really wanted to, Real Madrid would not intervene in natureai??i??s broader plans ai??i?? but heaven forbid you accidentally injure a ticket-buying fan.

Adam Lallana whose presence in the Liverpool team seems to jinx it ai??i?? both his Premier League appearances for the Kop have ended in defeat – is still raring to go. That might not necessarily be a good thing, because he has claimed that his club, Liverpool FC, could certainly end its ai???tough spellai??? by beating Everton ai??i?? the club he grew up idolizing ai??i?? in the Merseyside derby.

When reporters pointed out that Liverpoolai??i??s “tough spell” has lasted for over two decades now, Adam Lallana dug in deeper and insisted a pointless derby between the teams ranked 11^th and 14^th was what was going to turn the Kopai??i??s fortunes around.

Tottenham Hotspur have unveiled plans to upgrade their White Hart Lane grounds to boost capacity to an impressive 56,250 capacity. Arsene Wenger immediately criticized the plans, because as usual he had one eye on others’ affairs even though it really was none of his business . Explaining his stance, Wenger claimed a larger stadium would only increase expectations for the club to deliver results. When an advisor helpfully pointed out that every club – with an upgraded stadium or not – was expected to deliver, Arsene Wenger seemed genuinely shocked at the revelation.

The Frenchman later released a statement explaining that since heai??i??d spent the last decade at Arsenal successfully ensuring Gunners do not even dare to dream of anything more than a balanced budget and a top 4 finish, he had naturally forgotten that other clubs still sought titles and silverware. “An honest mistake”, he said, “it could happen to the best of us”.

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