The much anticipated kick-off of the 2011-12 edition of Serie A is looming just around the corner. Serie A may not be the best league in the world right now like it once was in the 90s during its glorious era but one certainly cannot call the league a boring one – that will be just being ignorant. There’s never a shortage of drama and entertainment on the field as well as off it. There’s something about the league that makes it unique and different from the other leagues in the world and has its own unorthodox attraction that never fails. The entertainment factor is a guarantee and never ceases to amuse fans of Calcio.
Below are a few predictions for the coming season that may seem outlandish but cannot be ruled out given Serie A’s unpredicatability.
1. Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini sacks manager Devis Mangia after losing their first game in Serie A to Inter claiming he never trusted Mangia because he never fielded his ‘New Pastore’ Eran Zahavi. He then re-hires Delio Rossi who had to sacrifice his dignity to come back to the club he truly felt he belonged to. Zamparini welcomes Rossi back with open arms and says that Rossi was always his first choice and that the past is behind them. Few hours later Rossi is sacked for not playing Zahavi in training. Rossi complained that Zahavi was in the hospital suffering from a broken foot but Zampa would have none of it. He then appoints Claudio Ranieri who characteristically takes them to second place in Serie A.
2. Juventus hitman Amauri rejects rewarding and tempting deals by Real Madrid, Manchester City and Anzhi Makhachkala in the January transfer window to ‘prove his worth’ in Turin and to stick with his buddy Vincenzo Iaquinta. Iaquinta, however, was ruled out for the rest of the season due to a cramp in his right hand and amassed a significant four minutes to his name this season. Amauri, on the other hand, was much more helpful and managed to get a few games under his belt.
3. Milan enforcer Mark van Bommel manages to break the legs of three Juventus players yet still found himself on the pitch. In the same game, Juve were denied three crystal clear penalties while Inzaghi scored for Milan despite being offside. The referee was unsurprisingly Emidio Morganti.
4. Napoli, somehow manage to scrape through the group stage in the Champions League finishing in second place. The knockout stage draw lines them up against reigning champions Barcelona which prompts a familiar reaction from Napoli president Aurelio De Laurentiis. The film-maker calls the journalists a bunch of shit-heads and promises to leave football for good. In the background, coach Walter Mazzarri was spotted removing his jacket for the 9213th time in sheer frustration. Lazio draw recent Champions League eliminated side Man City in the knock-out stage of the Europa League prompting president Claudio Lotito to bring his taskforce in to action.
5. Roma skipper Francesco Totti’s continuing feud with manager Luis Enrique ends after the latter fails to play him in any of Roma’s games. Il Capitano calls for his head and Luis Enrique is promptly sacked the next day inspite of winning their previous 15 games in the season and leading the table by a whopping 25 points.
6. Antonio Cassano gains an astonishing 20 kilos after he was relegated to the bench for the most part of the Serie A campaign. In unrelated news, Nutella announce a 300% profit and appoint Cassano as their brand ambassador who gladly obliges.
7. Former Juve transfer guru Luciano Moggi criticises Beppe Marotta’s transfer campaign by branding it dismal and below par. He goes on to say that with the funds Marotta was provided, he would’ve gone on to sign five champions that would’ve led them to Scudetto and Coppa Italia glory. Alessio Secco said he would’ve signed a couple of mediocre Brazilians and a few defensive midfielders while offering Vincenzo Iaquinta and Amauri lucrative five year contract extensions.
8. Last season’s designated punch bag Marco Rossi, now at Cesena, lives up to his previous year’s form by receiving clouts not once, not twice, but a remarkable 10 times this season. Four of them were elbows from Roma’s Daniele De Rossi.
9. The refurbished Delle Alpi fails to draw the estimated and desired crowd. Fans claim the stands are too close to the pitch. They fear for their life for falling victim to one of Marco Motta’s wayward crosses.
10. AC Milan’s transfer guru Adriano Galliani promises a ‘Mr. Y’ to the fans in the January transfer market. He describes this player as someone they’ve been looking for a long time and whose past experience with another Italian powerhouse is seen as a valuable asset. Coach Max Allegri praises Mr. Y by calling him a world class talent and that most teams in the world would covet his services. Rino Gattuso is of the opinion that the highly publicized Mr. Y is none other than Napoli’s Marek Hamsik while Milan’s number one fan Tiziano Crudelli was too busy breaking moves to comment. On the last day of the winter mercato, Galliani unveals Juventus reject Cristian Molinaro as the much spoken about Mr. Y and was quoted as saying – “Well atleast he has a good set of teeth on him”
Note: The above is a satiricial look at how things might unfold in the coming Serie A campaign. If anything mentioned above turns out to be true, it’s purely coincidental.