THT Travesty : A Letter To Rafael Benitez

The Hard Tackle has got its hands on a letter, ostensibly sent out to Rafa Benitez by someone from Chelsea FC with a reasonable command over the English language – making that either Ray Wilkins, or Ancelotti aided by spell-check.

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Dear Rafael Benitez,

I’d like to thank you for being magnanimous enough in shipping Torres (your best player) off for surgery, when the fact is we all know the surgery could have waited a bit longer. Chelsea needs all the help it can get, in winning this league and ending the reign of our common enemy – The Evil Turnip.

On these lines, I was hoping we could trouble you for more favors.

Kindly insist on reopening the McGee bar-brawl case, and have Gerrard temporarily put behind bars for being judged as a menace to society. We promise to bail him out with Roubles, once the game is done. Also, kindly inform the Israelis that Benayoun didn’t exactly complete his mandatory military service when he was 18. You’ll probably never hear from him again, but it’s a necessary sacrifice for the greater good.

Please play Ngog and Babel under strict instructions to perform at their worst, and to pro-actively lower their game if they think Deco/Mikel/Ballack are somehow managing to play even worse. Insinuate to Mascherano that slapping the referee might not be the worst thing.

We all know that Chelsea’s attacks will only come from our left, but nevertheless instruct your players to act surprised.

Regards, A well-wisher

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The Hard Tackle would like to announce that it is accepting bets that the game will end in a tame 1-0 win to Chelsea, with Lucas unselfishly scoring the winning goal for the Blues with a beautiful back-heel pass intended for Reina.

Unless Howard Webb is officiating, in which case, the goal will be disallowed as the ball will be adjudged as not having crossed the line, even though it made a permanent dent in the net. In the event of such a howler, a red-faced Webb is expected to watch reruns of the game at home – with a crate of anonymously-delivered Scottish champagne by his side.

It is unclear as to whether Mikel will be playing the encounter for Chelsea FC. The Hard Tackle has learnt that Benitez is praying that Mikel will not feature in the clash, because otherwise it would be much harder for him to throw the game.

Drogba has reportedly promised a pleading Ancelotti that he will do his utmost best not to get himself red-carded, unless Carragher really does something to deserve it.

Ballack has rubbished suggestions that he would soon be unemployed come season-end, by pointing out to us that he has plans of opening a soccer-training academy for kids with failing grades at school. He intends to teach the young ones, that being lazy need not be a hindrance to making tons of money.

And to prove, that The Hard Tackle does not discriminate against Arsenal FC, we have breaking news that Arshavin, in his daily dose of mindless drivel on his website, has confirmed something we’ve all suspected for a while. Wenger peeps.