Mourinho And His Early Withdrawal Symptoms – THT Satire

By Ed Fernandez
10 years Ago

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has finally come out and confirmed what many observers of the game have long suspected: that the Portuguese genius is an addict. What finally let the cat out of the bag, and forced his hand wasn’t the nervous pacing on the sidelines or the sudden impulsive streaks of aggression, but what medical experts are calling the classic signs of early withdrawal from the dugout.

Just as for alcohol addicts, the early withdrawal symptoms for those addicted to the spotlight on the sidelines of a game include low energy levels, irritability, yawning and an uncontrollable desire to leave the game way before it ends. Paul Lambert of Aston Villa, who is one of the few managers in on Mourinho’s secret was fortunately around just as Mourinho began to exhibit these symptoms in the Chelsea-Aston Villa game. With quite a few minutes still on the clock, Lambert pointed to the watch in a bid to assure the Chelsea manager there was still sufficient time to make the doctor’s appointment.

Roy Keane who was sitting right near Lambert generously offered not to grab Mourinho’s hand for support, lest he pass his own medical condition [Clinical Insanity] on to the Chelsea gaffer whose immune systems were already weakened by then. As the game paused and the crowd looked on, Jose Mourinho gathered his reserves of personal strength through adversity and managed to steady himself as he walked through the tunnel seeking immediate medical attention.

Relatively fortunately for Mourinho, the symptoms began showing only at the end of the game which meant he could afford to miss the end of the game. Any hopes of an improvement were suddenly dashed, as just a few days later, a flustered Mourinho began exhibiting early withdrawal symptoms in the first half of the Arsenal game. What sparked the sudden onrush of withdrawal symptoms is unknown, but experts believe the presence of Arsene Wenger on the sidelines may have had something to do with it.

Arsene Wenger has long been suspected of being a carrier of the early withdrawal contagion, having a built a team that withdraws regularly from the title challenge in the first couple of weeks of each Premier League season. If that turns out to be true, there might be hope yet for Mourinho as Wenger seems to have built a strong immune response to it – having now survived several years in his role without getting fired by the Gunners (pun intended).

But some medical experts have questioned the theory that Mourinho and Wenger share the strain of the illness. They point out Wenger’s early withdrawal is highly contagious and affects the entire Arsenal team, who then require the whole of the remaining season to recover from the effects of having withdrawn from the title challenge in August itself. Mourinho’s withdrawal symptoms have so far failed to catch on, leading some experts to believe his might be a chronic-but-not contagious strain.

In any case, Mourinho owes Wenger a debt of gratitude for saving his life. As the first half heated up, Mourinho began to panic and look for an early exit. Wenger who had seen this happen before instantly sprang to action, administering aggressive CPR on the Chelsea manager’s chest with a forceful thump. A grateful Mourinho turned to the fourth official to commend his North London counterpart’s actions.

All eyes were on Mourinho for the game against Crystal Palace, but this time Mourinho seemed to have confronted his demons successfully. As the match wore on with a tedious 2-0 advantage to Chelsea and just injury-time to play for, match commentators had a field day predicting when the onset of early withdrawal would kick in. But, in what must seem as a heartening possibility of a cure, Crystal Palace scored just on the stroke on regulation time’s end to ensure a nervy last few minutes. Jose Mourinho looked instantly renewed and refreshed, and sat back for the remainder of the game before even managing to exchange pleasantries with the unpleasant Neil Warnock.

As Mourinho confirmed his struggles during the post-match press conference, he seemed strangely at ease. Perhaps the knowledge, that despite Arsenal having lost further ground in the title race Arsene Wenger would still refuse to withdraw himself from his position as manager, was comforting.

Thanks to the attention Mourinhoai??i??s condition has brought this obscure illness, Luis Felipe Scolari and Andre Villas-Boas have both checked into premier medical facilities to see if they too had fallen victim to early withdrawal symptoms when they were both asked to leave Chelsea even before completing their tenure.

Medical tests confirmed they had nothing to worry about; they were just terrible managers.

Categories: Chelsea FC, English Premier League, Features
Tags: Chelsea FC Mourinho Wenger

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