In further proof – not that anybody needed any – that Chelsea’s entire transfer window strategy was based on asking tabloid journalists what players would make the corniest headlines, the Blues rounded off their transfers only purchasing Hazard, Marin, Moses and Cesar Azpilicueta.
Now, Chelsea intend to charge tabloid journalists royalties every time they inevitably come up with a heading like “<insert club> fall as Hazard lights up pitch” and “Marin leaves <insert club> men behind” and “Moses parts <insert club>defense to seal Chelsea win” and “Chelsea’s Roman Empire pleased with new Cesar“.
Chelsea have a reputation for handing over the responsibilities of entire departments to the least qualified. The last time the Blues caused an uproar was when they handed over central defensive responsibilities to an unnamed heavily intoxicated 10-year old on a Playstation.
The crisis soon blew over when it became evident – after John Terry got sent off in the Champions League semi-finals – that the 10-year-old was Chelsea’s last, best hope for defensive stability. David Luiz himself held out on signing a new 5 year deal with Chelsea until he was assured the kid was going nowhere.
Meanwhile Chelsea’s latest signing Cesar Azpilicueta is reportedly unhappy with his new jersey. Azpilicueta was seen running about in a kit clearly two sizes too big for him. When contacted for comment, the club insisted that was the only way they would be able to accommodate his entire last name.
Tottenham Hotspur shook off a shaky start to the season by beating Manchester United 2-3 at the Theater of Dreams in a game that left Villas-Boas frog jumping around the grounds for joy. Villas-Boas who seems incapable of standing erect, called it a ‘team effort’ and then praised himself as the brains behind all 3 goals and blamed anyone older than 30 for both goals conceded to Manchester United. When asked why his side took so long to get into their groove this season, Villas-Boas claimed it was because he hadn’t been doing his usual job sketching tactics on a notepad, preferring to wait instead till his iPad 2 reached him.
Meanwhile, Sir Alex Ferguson who had said he hoped his Manchester United side would be inspired by newcomer Robin van Persie, only to find half a dozen of his squad injured the next morning, is clearly not in a collected state of mind. After openly hallucinating that Batman aka Christian Bale was going to be playing for the Spurs, the most successful manager in England then demanded his team be given half an hour of added injury time, all alone on the pitch. Ferguson also selflessly offered to reduce the injury time to 20 mins, if Manchester United restored a two goal lead by then.
It’s unclear why Sir Alex Ferguson would think Batman played for Tottenham Hotspur, when the Spurs are a famously cheap side that makes their players switch boots during substitutions. Experts have suggested that since both Batman and Ferguson speak a variant of the English language that nobody else can decipher, it’s possible the two of them have met in the past. Although, with Fergie’s failing eyesight it’s entirely possible the Manchester United boss thought he was talking to Petr Cech all along.
Arsene Wenger proceeded to embarrass everyone at the post-game press conference by moaning like a lover in the throes of passion. Having seen his side be thoroughly outclassed by the Blues at his own stadium, Wenger – a self confessed socialist – asked that the points be shared equally. When the League balked at his suggestion, he negotiated a compromise wherein Laurent Koscielny was awarded man of the match for having completely copied Torres’ first goal off a Mata free-kick, albeit into his own net.
Brendan Rodgers is trying desperately to boost morale in the team by pretending Norwich City, whom the Reds beat 2-5, were opponents of real strength. He was also seen asking the Liverpool squad to applaud themselves in the dressing room after nobody had drowned in the showers. Rodgers intends to carry on in similar fashion by giving out medals to any Liverpool player who makes it to the next training session on time.
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