In the most expected turn of events, since the sun rose every morning, the world’s greatest spoilsport Lionel Messi walked away with the Ballon d’Or. Again. Just more proof that he really needs to get a life.
Nobody looked surprised in the least bit, except for Lionel Messi himself who had spent the past several weeks watching reruns of Miss Universe pageants, practicing his surprised look in anticipation of his victory. Also shocked, genuinely though,Ai??at the result was Cristiano Ronaldo -Ai??the world’s biggest walking oil slick. Cristiano was visibly stunned at the announcement of Messi’s name, even though it was to be expected consideringAi??the shortlist of nominees only featured ‘Lionel Messi’ spelt in 5 different languages.
Ronaldo who lives in a parallel universe where everybody loves him, even more than he loves himself, was hit by a severe bout of depression that only arises when different worlds collide. Eye-witnesses claim he became withdrawn, incredibly nervous, hunched over in self-doubt and unable to look anyone straight in the eye. In other words, just the characteristics that Chelsea FC look for in A?50 million strikers.
Messi, on the other hand, who has now won his 15th Ballon d’Or even though the prize itself has been in existence only since 2010, seemed overly pleased with himself. The ceremony had to be held up when, as Platini firmly shook Messi’s outstretched hand, Sergio Busquets inexplicably feigned injury in the audience. Further delay was caused by Andre Villas-Boasai??i?? insistence that Messi celebrate his triumph with him.
Ignoring the commotion, Lionel Messi, whose neck has so many medals around it that he grows shorter with every victory, accepted his award and tried to address the crowd in English. Clutching the golden ball, he hissed the only two English words he knew. “My Precious”. It was quite the creepy sight, but the pro-Barcelona global media decided to call it ‘breathtakingly beautiful’ anyway.
Awards were also given out to the best manager – a very competitive 5-nominee category featuring Jose Mourinho, Jose Mourinho’s Ego, Pep Guardiola, Pep Guardiola’s False Humility avatar and a giant angry pink turnip, formerly known as Sir Alex Ferguson.
In the end, the award went to Jose Mourinho’s Ego for never having acknowledged a single defeat in his career. Jose Mourinho’s Ego who refused to go up on stage and receive the award from a mere mortal like Platini, instructed Pep Guardiola’s False Humility avatar to do the honors instead.
Pep Guardiola’s False Humility avatar who shaves his head and pretends he’s balding, just so that others don’t think he’s got all the luck in the world, dedicated the award to Tito Vilanova who, upon hearing Mourinho would be present, came wearing an eye-patch.
Real Madrid were crowned ‘Team Of The Year’ but in the interest of safe-keeping, and since Sergio Ramos was loitering about looking interested, the trophy was handed over to their bitter rivals Barcelona. Sticking with the team awards, Platini announced a special category ‘The Merseyside Team Of The Year’ in a desperately manufactured bid to ensure Liverpool win something.
It was a close vote but Everton FC walked away with first place, and Liverpool FC only managed to tie New Brighton AFC in second place. Kenny Dalglish who, like us, had never heard of New Brighton till then commended Liverpool for at least managing to beat Everton’s youth squad. He may have been sarcastic, but considering the shouts of ‘Top 4! Top 4!’ that rang out in the Liverpool contingent, it’s possible nobody got it. Steven Gerrard, announcing heai??i??d finally achieved his lifelong ambition, offered to retire.
Platini who wanted additional time to create another Liverpool-friendly impromptu category – Best Scouser accent, was cut off by Sepp Blatter who likes keeping things extremely short, just like he does withAi??female footballersai??i?? kits.
Among other notable attendees with no chance of winning squat were Andre Villas-Boas, and his ai???mini-meai??i?? Juan Mata. Villas-Boas, in a bid to prove everything was fine with his mutinous squad, demanded all the Chelsea players share their food with and serve each other for the cameras. Once again, Torres whoai??i??d received no service from anyone nearly starved to death.
Husband(s) of the Year, Ashley Cole and John Terry looked a bit glum when they discovered the Ballon dai??i??Or [incorrectly translated to them, as ai???Golden Ballsai???] wasnai??i??t a Moulin Rouge style strip club, but actually a family-friendly event. Speaking of family-friendly, the godfather of brotherly love Ryan Giggs was seen having a good time after receiving the life-time achievement award ai??i?? once again, like Scholes and Henry before him, failing toAi??take the retirement hint from FIFA.
Not having a good time, were Wayne Rooney and his pretty wife Colleen. The England striker was reportedly still bristling at the Magpiesai??i?? offensive chant that Colleen, whenever sheai??i??s with Rooney, actually thinks of Demba Ba. The England striker who plays for Manchester United, while he actually thinks of playing for City, could not be reached for comment.
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