Police chiefs around the world have confirmed the online disappearances of several young men in the past couple of weeks, lending an official note to rumors that have long left families and societies panicked.
Reporters have camped outside to hear Sam Colton, chief constable of West Midlands police, rubbish allegations that police have not acted quickly enough by refusing to confirm these disappearances earlier. ai???We arenai??i??t in the business of selling tabloids. The police have a responsibility to examine the facts first, before trotting out a statement that could further inflame a delicate situationai???.
Sources at the Interpol have confirmed the international body is taking these reports very seriously and is on the verge of issuing a global directive advising local forces on how best to take immediate action toward resolving the mystery of how millions could vanish online, overnight. Families are left aghast and shattered and without answers as they wait for their young menai??i??s social network avatars to return.
These incidents were first reported when young men began to increasingly vanish off of social networks, in surprisingly large numbers. These were men who reliably kept their social circles updated on their latest exploits: be it sticking their tongues down anything remotely resembling a human throat, or posting pictures of unappetizing leftovers on their plate at restaurants or even complaining about the weather as millions starve on the other side of the planet.
The vanishing epidemic has struck down men of all colors, creeds and social class, in a sad reminder of how misfortune does not discriminate. Authorities have admitted the only viable link they have, linking these disappearances, is the alleged club loyalties of these young men.
The victims were all said to be fans of Manchester United and FC Barcelona. Conspiracy theories have suggested that it could have been the embarrassing losses suffered by these once-great teams that had driven these young men into self-imposed obscurity and anonymity. Theorists have pointed to precipitous drops in sales of jerseys and club merchandise, as lending credence to their far-fetched ideas.
Conspiracy-peddling websites have seen an increase in traffic, as established news outlets and sources struggle to explain the disappearances. It’s been suggested that people who had effectively tied their entire online reputations and bloated egos to the fortunes of a single club, now had nothing more to appear online for and were contemplating online suicide. Armchair psychologists have deduced that after having been photographed in Manchester United and FC Barcelona jerseys, only to see their teams now hit rock bottom, these young men would have had more pride left in them if they had uploaded naked pictures online instead. Proponents have pointed to the social rehabilitation of Paris Hilton and Britney Spears as evidence.
Renowned psychologist Andrew Brooks rubbished such suggestions and said it was especially disrespectful to families to suggest their young men would go into hiding merely because their clubs experienced a dip in form. ai???Sure these guys were obnoxious little hellions who made a habit of repeating words like ai???Glory gloryai??i?? and ai???tiki takaai??i?? but to suggest these were people actually so invested in their teamai??i??s fortunes that they would take a series of losses so personally is disrespectful to themai???, Brooks insisted.
Arsene Wenger took to his Twitter feed to rubbish such allegations too. The manager with several decades of experience at sounding intelligent, helpfully pointed out that if bad results would explain the disappearance of young men from social networks, then Arsenal fans would have vanished a long time ago. “Our fans are still here. We are not going anywhere. Either from social networks, or on the league standings”, Wenger offered as words of comfort.
Conspiracy theorist and Gunners fan, James McAllister, wasnai??i??t so convinced however. ai???Just because weai??i??ve developed a thick skin over the years doesnai??i??t imply other fans have had the chance to develop immunity to their own clubai??i??s pointlessness. Itai??i??s like the humans surviving in the War of the Worlds. We Gooners have been here in the land of no silverware for ages, and so we earned our immunity to shame. Those plastic Barca and Manchester fans have experienced a sudden unexpected drop in team success, and they never had the chance to grow a thick hide. Iai??i??m not sorry one bit, Iai??i??m glad theyai??i??re goneai???.
Jose Mourinho, who would never ordinarily agree with arch-foe Arsene Wenger, came firmly down on the side of the Frenchman. ai???People go missing all the time. That does not mean they are Barcelona and Manchester United fans. My strikers have been missing all season long. Where was the uproar then? Are you suggesting Torres and Ba and Etoai??i??o are Red Devils? Catalans? For 50 years, our fans were missing. Nobody cared. The media is biased against Chelsea – our million dollar investments have been missing, and not one milk carton has featured a missing ad. A bunch of plastics go missing, and suddenly everyone is upset.ai???
The British Prime Minister David Cameron is expected to make an announcement on television later tonight, with his Spanish counterpart Mariano Rajoy. While 10 Downing Street has been remarkably silent about the whole matter, inside sources have revealed that Cameron is expected to ask for calm and in Churchil-esque fashion ask people to have faith this Easter season.
He is expected to bring attention to the reported-but-unconfirmed sightings of young Liverpool fans reappearing all over the world. In a world society still struggling to come to grips with the disappearances of several young Manchester United and Barcelona fans, the sight of others – honorary Scousers once thought to have become extinct along with the dinosaurs – now reportedly returning online with crudely constructed status updates must be heartening.
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