Ronaldo Finally Beats Messi ai??i?? Quirky Leaks ai??i?? THT Satire

ai???TheHardTackle Satireai??i?? is a semi-regular column which takes potshots at anything and anyone even remotely associated with football. With no pretensions about wanting to be taken seriously, ai???TheHardTackle Satireai??i?? parodies, lampoons and jests at the people who make the beautiful game tick ai??i?? both on and off the field.

Cristiano Ronaldo finally won the honor he’d been hankering for all his life. The Portuguese star, who’d watched in dismay all these past years as Lionel Messi invariably walked away with the Ballon d’Or, could finally let out of a sigh of relief that he’d held on to for so long that doctors feared he’d burst a vein.

Messi had been such a clear favorite all those past years, that he had even begun to arrive to the award ceremonies in his pajamas. Ronaldo could barely hide his disgust at having to pose every year trophy-less, but in a Ralph Lauren suit mind you, next to a barely clad Messi holding aloft the Ballon d’Or.

Messi, whose suit this year was inspired by a Santa Claus outfit that looked like it was made out of plastic bags coughed up by dying whales, showed little emotion as the award went to Ronaldo. In any case, lest the little genius be offended, FIFA also presented him with the Ballon De Diamant ai??i?? an award that Sepp Blatter thought up on the spur of the moment when it became horrifyingly evident Messi was going to go home empty-handed.

Since there wasn’t exactly a diamond-encrusted trophy to present him with, Blatter and Platini did the decent thing and snatched Ronaldo’s trophy out of his hands and presented it with due apologies to Messi. As the Real Madrid star protested, security officers tazered him to the ground. The world media naturally cooed at Messi’s victory, and accused Ronaldo ai??i?? who was twitching on the floor in his own drool ai??i?? of diving yet again.

Chelsea FC proved once again that its transfer policy is dictated by the Playstation controller most famous for David Luiz’s on-field exploits. Roman Abramovich who had earlier decided that Nemanja Matic was garbage, and flogged him off to anyone willing to pay a grand sum equivalent of a slightly soggy peanut, suddenly had a brainwave that involved buying back a player whom Chelsea had determined was surplus to its needs in midfield.

Simple math, and the fact that Chelsea’s midfield has grown so much that even Mata twiddles his thumbs on the bench, clearly did not factor into this decision. Matic, who had all the first-team opportunities his heart desired in Benfica, felt that the best way he could cement his chances of playing for Serbia in the next World Cup was by sitting on the sidelines in the English Premier League.

Matic is also understood to have fled the terrifying prospect of Andre Villas-Boas returning to the Portuguese league.

Villas-Boas, the former protege of a ton of great coaches he learned nothing from, is currently taking time off to “recharge his batteries” according to a statement released by his secretary. When editors expressed surprise Villas-Boas could afford a secretary, the defiant coach admitted he’d faked a woman’s voice on the phone to avoid being asked difficult questions.

Andre Villas-Boas then claimed he wasn’t going to take another job unless he would be ‘valued’ at his next club. At this point, clubs around the world let out a collective sigh of relief that rivalled Ronaldo’s. After asserting his pride and self-belief, Villas-Boas crawled back to the rock he had been hiding under ever since Tottenham shook him off like a bad case of the flu.

With his back against the wall, and no more tricks up his sleeve, David Moyes called upon the professional services of a witch doctor to help him get rid of whatever terrible curse had been plaguing the Manchester United squad. The whole exercise called for Moyes to bathe in chicken blood and have boots flung at him from across the locker rooms.

After weeks of trying, the power of black magic finally came through. A coughing Fergie soon emerged: smoked out from behind the shower curtains, having hidden there ever since his retirement only to whisper words of discouragement like “You’re balding, again” to Wayne Rooney and “Break a leg” to Van Persie, in a bid to scuttle Moyes’ reign.

A triumphant Moyes found his joy lasted only a while, as the witch doctor sensed the presence of another evil life-force so vile that it drained United of its famed ability to bounce back. After sleepless nights, and several million pounds spent on charms and other assorted voodoo mumbo-jumbo, the witch doctor announced United had finally been rid of its jinx.

In other news, the club announced Anderson would be moving to Fiorentina.

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