The World Cup has been full of astonishments. From Louis van Gaal’s universal genius to Neymar’s surprising spine, here are a few pieces of “news” that are almost too incredible to believe.
Louis van Gaal has been unanimously hailed as a tactical geniusAi??by Manchester United fans, after signing as their new manager. It seems like the Dutchman can do nothing wrong these days, in the eyes of Red Devils. After a fluke decision to switch goalkeepers just before the penalty shootout that outfoxed 15-time World Cup winners and football powerhouse Costa Rica, United fans proudly acclaimed van Gaal’s streak of genius.
When asked when why other equally critical substitutions made by other managers failed to elicit such praise from them, Manchester United supporters roundly condemned the insinuation that they were being embarrassingly biased towards their new coach ai??i?? even though no one had said anything of the sort. United fans returned to social networks in droves to display their new-found ability to appreciate managerial tactical nous, by crediting van Gaal for even timing his bathroom breaks perfectly.
There remains a section of United fans, however,Ai?? who have reserved judgment on the Dutchman until he proves he can control time as well as Sir Alex Ferguson could. Total football and last minute tactical switches be damned.
There’s also been a bout of collective amnesia at Old Trafford recently. Numerous fans of the incredibly successful club have denied any knowledge of a person called David Moyes. The previous manager who was blamed for everything from the precipitous drop in the form of his star players to the extinction of the dinosaurs, has been wiped out more effectively from their memories than Jodie Foster’s daughter in Flightplan.
In a stunning development, doctors working to heal Neymar in time for a semi-final appearance conceded defeat after they discovered he had fractured vertebra and would likely be out for a long time. Doctors admitted they were shocked the slippery world class diver actually had a backbone. Brazil which boasts a factory line of talent, immediately tapped Chelsea player Willian on the shoulder to take Neymar’s spot on the team.
Willian, who never expected to play for Brazil since he’s the worst thing to come out of SA?o Paulo, insisted on telling the world what they already knew: that he was nothing like Neymar. After the world gasped in mock surprise at his announcement just to humor him, Willian managed to injure himself on the training ground.
In other news, Chelsea have completed their purchase of the entire Atletico Madrid squad, the last team to beat them in the Champions League. Just to be sure, the club have also tabled a bid for the whole city of Madrid too. When the mayor incredulously notified them his city wasn’t for sale, Chelsea’s representatives nodded in understanding and then raised their bid.
Former Chelsea and Real Madrid man Arjen Robben has had a public outburst against all the criticism leveled against him after he admitted diving. The current Bayern Munich star reportedly said “I’m tired of this bulls**t“, without realizing that’s pretty much what all his detractors were saying.
FIFA upset quite a few American followers of the sport with its decision to “randomly” test the bleary eyed, unshaven Tim Howard after his graveyard shift job defending the US. The governing body insisted its picking of Tim Howard was entirely by chance, and that it had no deliberate mechanism in place to target those suspicious of crimes. That would explain why FIFA has never prosecuted Sepp Blatter, not even once.
A man was bitten by what people suspect was a Great White shark while swimming in waters off a Southern California beach. The man who barely survived recounted how the ferocious cold-blooded monster stared at him as it clamped down on his chest. In unrelated news, Uruguay have confirmed that Luis Suarez isn’t in the asylum where they last incarcerated him, and have pleaded with FIFA to rescind his ban lest more swimmers be bitten by “sharks”.
Suarez, who recently discovered a fondness for Italian meat, reportedly left a cryptic tweet talking about how denying him football for four months made him feel like he’d lost a part of himself. At which point Giorgio Chielleni replied saying he knew exactly what that felt like.
And finally, Shakira has confirmed that she will be performing at the World Cup final. She has now achieved the distinction of lasting longer at the World Cup than her boyfriend Gerrard Pique and the entire Spanish team did.
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