Chelsea FC: The Night of Too Many Awards – THT Satire

ai???TheHardTackle Satireai??i?? is a semi-regular column which takes potshots at anything and anyone even remotely associated with football. With no pretensions about wanting to be taken seriously, ai???TheHardTackle Satireai??i?? parodies, lampoons and jests at the people who make the beautiful game tick ai??i?? both on and off the field.

You could wait for the PFA Awards List to come out, but the banal trotting out of the same categories is unlikely to lend much festive cheer. Especially, if you’re a Chelsea fan who had to grin and bear the sight of a Champions League-winning manager get the boot in late 2012, and then pretend the Europa League trophy was silverware, when there are more highly sought-after rolls of aluminum foil in Aisle K of your neighborhood Walmart.

Which is why Chelsea FC, currently languishing in 3rd spot while arch rivals United sit comfortably in mid-table, deserve their own honors night to celebrate their biggest men and moments of 2013: an exercise in futility, considering their biggest man of the moment last year was either a Spanish wizard who now keeps the bench warm, or his mentor – a man Chelsea once derided as a rather rotund waiter.

The Most Convincing Frog Prince Of 2013

It’s Rafa Benitez.

Like the fairytale frog who got uncomfortably close to princesses and demanded they kiss him, Rafa Benitez spent his life yearning for appreciation at a big club (sincere apologies to Valencia and Liverpool fans, of course). In the end, an incredibly hungover Chelsea (the princess in this story; try to keep up) decided to give him a shot.

With tell-tale signs of lipstick still smeared across his face, Benitez proceeded to work a miracle by taking Chelsea into the Top 4 and winning the Europa League trophy. But not before he lost and/or drew his first few games in charge. That he assured us, was to dispute the general assertion that Chelsea’s fortunes had hit rock bottom when it fired Roberto di Matteo. “It’ll get worse”, Benitez proclaimed as he proceeded to show us by just how much it would.

Still, the guy deserves credit for not doing an Inter on the Blues. It’s not for lack of trying.

The Most Overused Phrases in Sports Journalism

When Roberto di Matteo discovered that Juan Mata, Eden Hazard and Oscar could play on the same field without Stoke City stomping on them, sports journalists all over England went mad.

They called this talented player-combination with a combined height of 5’1″ a variety of titles, each of which played on the glaringly obvious fact that there were 3 players.

“The Three Musketeers” came first, naturally, followed by “Triple Threat”, “Terrific Trio”, “Triple Treat”, “Terrific Triplets”, “Triumphant Three”, “Triple Trios” and “333”. None of which were particularly intelligent or interesting, or even asked much of your imagination. You could have just referred to them as 3 midfielders and that would still have been the most unique thought in the whole of the EPL last season. Still that didn’t stop them from trying again and again and again.

Wenger’s contribution, “Players I Should’ve Bought But Couldn’t Because I Was Too Cheap”, was found to be a bit too long for news editors’ liking.

The Most Troubling Bit of Financial News

Chelsea shocked the world’s financial analysts with news that it had achieved a profit in the financial year that ended on 30th June 2013.

As the markets, and Satan himself, reeled in shock and horror that the bottomless pit had finally bottomed out, Roman Abramovich decided to step into the arena and return Chelsea firmly back into the red.

It’s understood Abramovich’s persistent financial losses backing the West London club gain him a lot of sympathy in the eyes of Putin, who usually spends his weekends water-boarding other oligarchs. Realizing that if Chelsea ever turned a profit, he’d be seen as a direct threat to the Kremlin, the Blues owner fired di Matteo just so Chelsea could pay him for not doing anything.

He then hired Rafa Benitez, who had spent all of winter hiding under a bridge and living on handouts, by offering to pay him four times his previous monthly salary. That agreement alone cost Chelsea a grand total of 1 British pound.

The Most Formulaic Press Conference Replies

This honor has to go to Chelsea’s prodigal son, Jose Mourinho.

The Portuguese tactician has mastered the art of speaking his mind, while pretending it’s the club’s opinion. He learned to do it, with the clever use of the phrase “but for me”.

Observe.

“Mata does not suit our style. The player must change his style to suit the team, because the team cannot change for the player. Also, Mata betrayed his closeness to a previous manager by refusing to poison his hair gel. In my team every player defends. First we park the bus, then the airbus, then a Beluga whale if PETA permits. If a player cannot do that then he must learn…

… BUT FOR ME… Mata is still an important player”.

Those 3 words have never meant lesser in the English language, because Chelsea have and do continue to change their style by dropping several hundred IQ points to make David Luiz feel comfortable in the side.

Observe, even more closer.

“We value talent. If Terry, Lampard, Ashley Cole and Cech cannot play at the top level, they will sit on the bench. I think, just for kicks, I will punish Ashley by letting him keep Mata company. I want him to get so isolated that he begins to party with guys from Arsenal. That will terrify the famed backbone of Chelsea…

BUT FOR ME… they’re still my friends”.

The Most Complete Reinvention of the Year

John Terry, who made quite the impression with his TV commentary during the UEFA Champions League 2012 Final (for which he was awarded a medal), has returned as a player. Once derided as slow, out of touch, and the butt of “Your Momma” jokes, John Terry has managed to do the impossible.

He’s gotten slower.

And still somehow managed to hold on to his place in the team. Terry does this primarily by standing near David Luiz, to remind you how hollow your threats of benching him really are, when Sideshow Bob is all you have left in the tank.

As the year drew to a close, John Terry’s phenomenal work rate while running out of breath in the first 5 minutes, and that crazed look of intense fear in his eyes that can only come from yet another paternity suit have seen him keep Chelsea’s defense rock solid.

Pity you can’t say that about his legal defense. What? Too Soon?

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