Chelsea FC: Rafa Benitez, The Incredible Shrinking Manager

Ai??ai???TheHardTackle Satireai??i?? is a semi-regular column which takes potshots at anything and anyone even remotely associated with football. With no pretensions about wanting to be taken seriously, ai???TheHardTackle Satireai??i?? parodies, lampoons and jests at the people who make the beautiful game tick ai??i?? both on and off the field.

It was February 28th, the day Pope Benedict XVI had chosen to be the last of his papacy.

Roberto Mancini had started a news conference a day earlier with an acknowledgment of the Pontiff’s contributions, and so when Chelsea manager Rafa Benitez called for one, it was assumed he’d follow suit too.

As the press waited, Benitez wiped his glasses on his tie, took a long look at it and found a spot. Breathing on his glasses, the Chelsea gaffer tried to get rid of an especially troublesome spot. Anyone watching could tell the spot was in his eye, but since Rafa had made a career out of failing to spot the obvious, they decided it was best to let him run his course.

Rafa cleared his throat and began, “It’s very sad. A great and blessed man has announced his decision to leave his post, and there are crowds celebrating his departure.”

Journalists looked at each other, before The Guardian’s Michael Jones piped up in front “Uhh…Rafa, they’re not celebrating. They’re bidding farewell to the Pope”.

It was Rafa’s turn to look puzzled, “The Pope?! I’m talking about me”.

Keeping his eyes on the scribes, he pulled out a list from his coat pocket. “I have been in charge of football for 26 years, I’ve won everything there is to win. Everything.” he said, as he unfolded the list.

“Yoghurt, Salami, Spaghetti – 2 boxes…” he trailed off as he realized he was looking at his grocery list and made a shabby recovery – one that was still better than anything Bosingwa managed at Chelsea.

“The Champions League, The Club World Cup, La Liga… and yet I have received no respect from Chelsea.”

“The Chelsea fans are wasting their time preparing banners. Trust me, I know a waste of time when I see one. I let Torres start every game, don’t I?”

As everyone nodded their head – including Torres who watching at home ai??i?? Rafa continued “There’s a small section of Chelsea fans who are not doing any favors to the club. They’re sinking and wasting time.”

The Telegraph’s Mark Hempstead cleared his throat, “You mean they’re singing?”

Rafa seemed exasperated “Yes, what did you think I said?”

Hempstead grinned at the Chelsea manager, “You said sinKing accidentally.”

Rafa looked distinctly unimpressed, “You think I can’t tell the difference between the two words? The Chelsea fans sing while I sink. Is that witty enough for you?”

“The fans need not worry about me. I will leave Chelsea at the end of the season. They offend me by calling me an interim manager”.

Rob Watterson from the BBC cocked his head to the side, “If you’re leaving at the end of the season, why does ‘interim’ offend you?”

Rafa shook his head, “No, it’s the word ‘manager’ that offends me. I hate the responsibility that comes with that term. I keep begging them to call me Technical Director, but Emenalo has that position in a state of eternal dibs”.

As Rafa tried to move on, Watterson interjected “But would you agree that the deteriorating relationship between you and the Chelsea fans has reached the point of no return?”

Rafa shrugged his shoulders, “They’re trying to make my life hell. They think hell is their ally, but they merely adopted it. But I have experienced something far worse – The Europa League. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t see the light until I left Liverpool, but by then it was nothing to me but blinding.”

Unknown to Rafa, halfway across the world Warner Bros were getting ready to sue him for blatantly plagiarizing lines from The Dark Knight Rises.

Rafa continued, his voice rising as he emphasized his professionalism, “I am a manager, and I will be managing the team”.

After confidently staking his claim to the Nobel Prize for stating the obvious, the Chelsea manager decided to give the media the pleasure of an additional soundbite.

“I will pick my team, with players. No names. Or faces. I will cover them up. That way they can play without the fear of being held accountable.”

David Luiz who was seated at the back of the room, broke out into spontaneous applause.

Rafa tried his best not to let it distract him, as he persisted, “I am a realist. I don’t believe in happy endings”.

John Terry who had been nodding off at the back, nearly jumped out of his seat to protest that claim before he stopped himself.

“This is a team in transition”, Rafa pointed out “In the past they had great former players like Drogba, Malouda, Kalou, Essien and Lampard”.

It was Frank Lampard’s turn to react now. The Chelsea midfielder threw his hands in the air, kicked a chair, yelled a few curse words, made a huge ruckus and stormed out.

Rafa Benitez, who has a blind spot centered on Frank Lampard when it comes to picking his team, was naturally the only one who failed to notice any of this.

Sticking to his theme of transitions, Rafa said “Transitions take time, but I never fail. For instance, my other projects – the ones at Liverpool and Inter Milan – are still in transition.”

“If they continue with the agenda, they must take responsibility for the loss of the Champions League spot. And yes, even for my firing. How do these people sleep at night?”

Ron Gourlay muttered “On a bed, I presume”.

The Daily Mail’s Jim Harpson had a question that took Rafa Benitez by surprise. “Did you not know your Chelsea contract was for an interim managerial post?”

Rafa Benitez smiled and, in a jab at Roman Abramovich, said “It was a surprise to me.”

Meanwhile in Russia, Roman Abramovich swore at his TV screen as he furiously thumbed through a copy of the contract Rafa signed. Each page had the word ‘interim’ highlighted in bold.

Rafa chuckled as he left the press conference. He knew the media would call it a rant, and an outburst. They had no idea he’d planned this all along.

It had been the perfect opportunity to let a load off his chest.

He’d planned each and every pause. Every nod of the head, every pursing of his lips.

He’d left nothing to chance.

As he flagged down a cab, he realized there was something he had forgotten. His wallet.

Embarrassed, he looked around for assistance.

He noticed a stranger walking towards his car, and asked him if he could hitch a ride.

The stranger seemed to ponder his response for a while, before finally agreeing.

Benitez thought it would be the polite thing to introduce himself, so he stuck his hand out and said ai???I’m Rafa Benitez, manager of Chelsea FC. And you are?ai???

Frank Lampard just stared back incredulously.

– Sanish Fernandez, with inputs from Parth Pandya

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