An El Clasico That Wasn't

This seasonai??i??s first La Liga El Clasico did not disappoint as an audience the world over were treated to a mesmerizing spectacle at the Camp Nou – Catalonia’s latest exercise in demanding autonomy. The sideshow to the grand occasion were a bunch of twenty three men, eleven in Madridai??i??s white and twelve in Barcelonaai??i??s Red and Blue huffing and puffing all around the pitch, deluded into thinking they were the center of attention.

The game began at frantic pace, as Barcelona looked to gain momentum on home turf, while Real Madrid looked to take advantage of the imaginary defensive line setup by Barcelona.

As the match began, whispers that there were in fact only two players on the pitch began to grow louder. Feeling left out of a conspiracy theory he didn’t start, Jose Mourinho quickly jumped on to the bandwagon andAi??fueledAi??the conspiracy even further claiming that the two were not even from this planet. In a first, a few Catalans couldAi??be seen nodding in agreement with Mourinho. The fragile peace would not last long though. When the Catalans rose up to call for independence in the 14^th second of the 17^th minute, Jose Mourinho joined in again and demanded that he be given a separate state as well – to store all his trophies. Disgusted, the Catalans called Mourinho a disgrace to football and announced a national day of feigning injury in protest.

Real Madrid drew first blood as Dani Alves and Victor Valdes remained adamant that they would not move an inch until their contract issues were sorted out, letting Ronaldo oblige them with a finish. The superstar was seen appealing for calm instead of celebrating his goal. Seeing as how bad this made Lionel Messi look, Pepe the Real Madrid zealot from Portugal was so overcome with guilt that he over-committed himself on a cross, intentionally, and subsequently allowed Messi to score the equalizer.

The fallout was severe as the news of Pepeai??i??s sacrifice for Messi spread like wildfire. It led to a rift between the German and Ghanaian contingents of Real Madrid. Pep Guardiola, who was one among millions watching the game live sipping the finest of French wines on his sabbatical got so teary-eyed everyone thought Mourinho had poked him in the eye. As his depression got worse during the game, he admitted himself to the hospital.

On witnessing the finest of methodicalAi??standards maintained at the hospital and missing the fanatical attention to detail from his time in Barcelona, he requested that he be allowed to spend the rest of his sabbatical there. The staff could be seen ferreting around excitedly at the prospect of learning to do surgeries the Barcelona way. They have every reason to be happyAi??because as history tells us, in due time this would go on to be recognized as the only way to do surgeries.

In between all the drama, Karim Benzema made sure he would get a mention in the match report. Early on, he attempted a Marco van Basten from the other side of goal but ended up shooting his volley three hundred meters wide off the goal bringing down a North Korean satellite in the process. His then went on to miss a sitter again around the half-hour mark, when he had the chance to put his team 2-0 up. Suspicious at the nature of his misses, some suggested he was actually Fernando Torres in disguise. On being contacted, Torres insisted he was nowhere near the pitch. Though in all fairness, that’s what everyone said about him at Chelsea last season.

In the second half, Messi produced a moment of sheer class by curling a quite exquisite free kick over the wall and into the side netting. Mesut Ozil too was seen weaving his magic all over the field, most notably at his assist to Ronaldo for his second goal of the night. It was so spectacular that even Ozil blinked – for the first time in 4 years.

The night belonged to the two biggest names in football. Messi, whose fake humility is so big that it threatens to crush the little man under its weight, pointed to the skies and thanked the heavens for his talent. Cristiano Ronaldo – also known as the world’s biggest oil slick – turned his gaze to the heavens too and insisted the heavens thank him.

After the final whistle was blown, the league president tried to hand over the La Liga trophy to the Catalan side. On being informed that there were as many as 31 match days remaining, he calmly revealed he’d already read the script.

At the end of an unusually entertaining game, instead of the brawl that many had come to expect, more surprises were to follow. Jose Mourinho praised the performances of both sides on the pitch while Tito Vilanova offered to hand the ceremonial keys to La Masia over to Real Madrid’s squad.

Unfortunately, the bonhomie did not survive long as Ramos dropped the key during the ceremony. As the squads grabbed each others’ throats in the ensuing fracas, Busquets shielded his eyes from the horror.

Tags: Catalans El Clasico FC Barcelona Jose Mourinho Messi pepe Real Madrid Ronaldo Satire Theater

An El Clasico That Wasn’t – Satire

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