Dear AVB,
Sunday morning must have sucked for you. Right now, you must be feeling like how an Arsenal fan is supposed to. Or like how bin Laden did when he heard his doorbell ring. The newspaper clipping I enclosed here invites funny captions for this image. I sent one that goes “Caution: Slippery When Wet”. I hope I win.
Cheer up. The important thing to note is, like a stubborn kidney stone, this moment too will pass. If this is any consolation, you need look no further than the guy in the mirror for someone to blame. Why on earth would you try to out-Arsenal Arsenal? They’re terrible at defending; so they attack all day long, pretend itai??i??s a deliberate strategy on their part, and then slap on the ‘beautiful game’ tag to avoid questions. And yet you thought it would be a good idea to take a page out of Wenger’s book? You should know they only call him ‘Le Professeur’ out of sarcasm. I didn’t get that at first either.
Fielding your defensive line midway up the length of the field, was always going to be a stupid idea. It’s ironic that you let in more goals last afternoon, than Mourinho did in his first season. Yes, you got it that wrong.
Trust me, I know Chelsea often believes it has a God-given right to take Arsenal for granted. I mean let’s face it. This Arsenal squad without Cesc and Nasri, are like the muppets of Sesame Street. Sure they teach you a valuable lesson every now and then, but for the most part they look like they’re about to break into a song and dance routine. And yet you managed to lose to them. It’s inexplicable, really. It couldn’t have been a psychological thing after seeing their squad name-sheet, because most of them have names you’d give a cuddly Cocker Spaniel.
I can even understand Chelsea losing to Sunderland at The Bridge last season. But Arsenal’s a side that comes here and expects to lose to us. Wenger probably even had a post-match concession speech prepared for Saturday’s game about how Chelsea were desecrating the beautiful game. Thanks to you, he won’t get to deliver it now. A potential Youtube classic wasted down the drain.
But in your defense two of their goals were borne out of extraordinary circumstances. When Theo Walcott went to ground, I too thought he’d just lie there. Who knew he’d dig a tunnel Ai?? la The Shawshank Redemption and come up behind Chelsea’s defensive line and score. You just can’t prepare the boys for this stuff, I tell you.
And then, yes I noticed, Terry slipped. Again.
It must have been the easiest goal Robin Van Persie ever scored. Terry’s slips do tend to cost Chelsea a lot. Fortunately for Chelsea, he’s never slipped on any hard surface that might have caused him some damage. He’s been lucky that way. So far he’s only slipped on that wet Moscow field, on the pitch last afternoon and then that time in Wayne Bridge’s house right into his bed. And all three times he’s either had a bundle of grass, or a hot chick smoking grass, to break his fall. Some guys have all the luck.
I’m sure you’ll have complaints that Wojciech Szczesny wasn’t red-carded. He should have been. But it would have been of little use to Chelsea even if he had got his marching orders. In case you’d forgotten, Manuel Almunia no longer plays for the Gunners. Don’t you just miss those days when Manuel stood there between the Arsenal goalposts looking confused as ever? We don’t value the blessings we have until they’re gone.
At the end of the day, I must sadly insist no matter how you try to spin it, most of the blame remains yours. I know you were trying to cheer Roman up after his failed bid by making him feel at home. But playing Russian Roulette on the field with his millions was not the way to do it. The defense was such a shambles on both sides, for a moment, I thought I was witnessing a penalty shootout. Chelseaai??i??s always been terrible at those. Come to think of it, 3-5 does sound like a penalty-shootout scoreline.
I think you might want to tamp down Roman’s expectations in private. Tell him you’ll target a 3rd spot this season and break it to him gently. If he scowls, you might want to check his credit card statement to see if he’s hired any hitmen recently. Scolari found out the hard way. If Roman smiles and agrees, then you’ve got yourself a breather. Or it’s possible he didn’t understand a word you said.
If he doesn’t agree, and tells you midway through the next game, that you need to start looking for a new job, don’t take it personally. You can come here and join me in Sicily. Nothing like the warm Mediterranean waters, and a hefty “voluntary retirement” pay-off, to wash the embarrassment away.
Yours Truly,
Carlo Ancelotti
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