In the end, Chelsea ended with quite the comfortable margin of victory over a toiling Wigan side. And like Rafa Benitez cleaning his spectacles, we’re suddenly blessed with the kind of insight into the game that has evaded Chelsea’s decision makers for ever.
Here’s an irreverent look at the things we learned from the game.
Fernando Torres Can Defy The Laws of Physics
It’s becoming increasingly apparent that Fernando Torres isn’t incapable of scoring; he’s just doing mankind a far greater service in the field of aeronautics. While the rest of us worry about the smaller things in life – all 3 points for example ai??i?? Torres has got his eyes on things like perfecting slow flight.
Frank Lampard Is Every Employer’s Worst Nightmare
By insisting on scoring headline-grabbing goals, when the team needs it the most, Lampard has proven just what an inconsiderate petty little man he is. Anyone knows the gentlemanly thing for him to do here, would be to string together a run of performances so poor that Torres comes out looking like a Ballon D’Or winner. Such a shame then, Lampard insists on making it hard for the board to get rid of him, by simply being the best player on the field.
David Luiz Is Out Of This World
After months of target practice under the supervision of Ashley Cole, Chelsea’s resident archery expert, David Luiz realized he had a gift that deserved to be shared. His eyes light up whenever he sees the ball fall fortuitously in his path, despite the best efforts of his Chelsea teammates who work incredibly hard to keep it away from him.
Pretty soon the ball is walloped into the stands, and is duly handed back to the linesmen who takes special care to return the teeth that come with it.
Rafa Benitez Has A Poker Face
The fact that no Chelsea player has ever bothered to turn in his general direction does not discourage him from making a public spectacle of himself. Demba Ba, unaccustomed to the traditions of Chelsea, tried to make sense of Benitez’s mimes and put them into practice only to be promptly rewarded by fate, with a broken nose.
Eden Hazard Can Aim Real Low
Imagining Swansea’s version of Eric Cartman smothering the ball, Hazard channeled his focus ai??i?? this time getting the ball, and not just lard. As the ball stayed low streaking past him into the net, Al-Habsi had precious little to do. So did Benitez, but he gestured animatedly nevertheless.
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